It’s usually around this time of year that I start to get that little kid urge in me…ya know the one where its halloween….and then thanksgiving…which means Christmas is right around the corner. A couple years ago I really looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas….but I can’t help but think this year is just….lacking….
Every year….every year for 24 years for Thanksgiving we would go over to my grandma’s house and her, my mom, and my aunt would cook just this amazing dinner…..and my dad would fall asleep watching the cheif’s game with my grandpa…I’d entertain myself by playing with my nieces or my cousins…………and I have nothing like that this year……….in fact its the exact opposite.
My mom has decided that her and ronnie are going to his sisters for thanksgiving……lord knows she doesn’t have the energy to cook for everyone so I can’t blame her……..Wayne is going to see my uncle david for a month…..so he’s gonna be gone through the end of the year…..my aunt said she’d make dinner for them and me…..and its not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment or the effort….but it was never solely about the food…..even though it was always fantastic.
Here’s the thing………………..my grandma didn’t work except for 5 hours a week at the church daycare…..she never even had a drivers license……..she survived cancer……twice………….she took care of my grandfather for almost 50 years….every meal she cooked…….not just for him but for all of us………..and yet I’ve had my heart broken numerous times but this is the first time that I really have no idea how to get over this…………………..This is the first year that I won’t be over at her house for the hollidays…..first year I wont walk in the door and see her sitting there in her chair……………………………….And I cant get over that…..and I know that its just gonna get worse until its over…
I just remember last year…..thanksgiving with my grandma……and bringing shelby and kaylee over to meet everyone for the first time………..I remember how happy i was……happy that I could share this wonderful person with two other amazing people………..I remember that was the first day I told shelby i loved her…………and I remember sophia asking me if i did before i ever got the chance….lol…………I had everything in control…….I didn’t in a million years think things would be so different now………….
I had my heart broken twice this year……..when fro died…………………I was stone cold………I didn’t accept it…..I didn’t believe it…………..i just bottled it up because for so long i was building myself as this person that could handle anything…………………………..when me and shelby broke up………..and she stayed………..I handled that as well as I could……………but when they left………when i walked in what was our home for that long………and there no toys laying around……..and i didn’t see kaylee run up to me……….it was silent………bedroom was empty………………….funny thing about that is that i rearranged the place within a couple hours………….cleaned the whole place……….but i didn’t move anything into the room………….almost like it felt wrong……like it would be moving something into kaylees room………………..i cried my eyes out that night…………….which no one knows……i never even told katie that………….
I know this might sound like one big run on about how sad and depressed I am right now…….and maybe it is………maybe this is how I get it out anymore………………………………i just cant help but feel completely alone right now….