6. December 2008 by Terry.

So….I really don’t understand myself sometimes.   Ever stopped and said to yourself, wow, I’m an asshole?   I told her I couldn’t be anything more than friends because I’m a very sarcastic person and she isn’t.   Is that wrong though?   I mean I am a VERY sarcastic person and if I make a sarcastic comment or joke and it just flies over her head and she doesn’t get it…what am I supposed to do?   It gets awkward if she doesn’t get it, and I don’t know what to say.   But thats not why I feel like an asshole.

I feel like an asshole because she really is a very nice person…and its hard to find those people anymore.   I just think that I had a very valid reason in not being with her because of our difference in sense of humor more so the personality of myself.   But…I never wanted to hurt her, and I tried to get over it and I tried acting like it didn’t bother me because I figured I’d eventually get over it.   And then I thought to myself…I’m trying to get over something before are relationship even begins…and thats not good.   I noticed too late unfortunately in my past relationships reasons that I shouldn’t have been with someone.   Differences in personalities, values, sense of humors, etc.   With Julie it was an age thing, with Shelby it was a maturity thing.   With Sheila its a personality thing.   The difference is that I stopped it before it started this time.   So….I feel like an asshole because I hurt her, but I think we’ll both be better off in the end.

I felt like a REALLY big asshole until I talked to Katie and realized how much more fun I have with someone that gets my sense of humor and sarcasm…thats why she’s my best friend because she gets me.   I know I might be in the minority when I say this, but personality is the most important thing to me.   and sometimes, no matter how nice the other person is…you just don’t mesh.

ugh..

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22. November 2008 by Terry.

So, as many of you know the last year was very much a roller coaster ride as far as my love life goes.   I fell madly in love with someone who later turned out to be someone who I didn’t even want to be around.   During that little situation I realized how much I really am ready for a family of my own.   How much I’m ready to take that next step with someone and begin building our lives together.   And to be honest…I realized that at a very a depressing time in my life.   I realized that when the sweetest little girl I’d ever known was taken out of my life….and the sweetest old lady I’d ever known was taken as well…I couldn’t understand for the life of me what I had done to deserve to feel so much pain.

I got over some of it…I moved on I guess is what you could say.   You never really completely “move on” from someone very close to you dying but its a very touchy subject.   I’m completely fine most days but then I’ll see something on tv that reminds me of her or I’ll find a birthday card she sent me and it all comes back…every single second of it.

But, I digress.   Things are looking up.   I just got a much better job in the company and no longer have to work with my current boss……..yes……finally.   And….as weird as it may seem….I may have possibly met someone.   Its very odd as it came practically out of nowhere but she’s intelligent, funny, sarcastic…been through a lot of the same things together, have a lot in common……have the same idea’s about family and love in general.   I trust her…and I’ve only known her for a week.   Normally If I’d say something like that not only would Katie kick my ass but I’d be kind of hesitant to move any further….but I’m not with this girl.   Maybe its because I realize that I have nothing to hide or nothing to lose…..I mean once you think you’ve got everything figured out and you have your own family and then its all gone the next day….what else is there to feel thats worse then that?   Rejection?   It not working out?   Maybe I’m just at the point anymore where I just don’t care about that, maybe I’m just at the point where I’m willing to not hold anything back and put myself completely out there.   Cross your fingers for me.   Toes too.

Peace.

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