24. November 2009 by Terry.

So its been a couple months since I last wrote on here, a lot of thats been because I haven’t had my comp.   I was using my aspire one for my net needs for a while until I could afford to build my new tower.   But since I got my promotion at work I was able to afford it a lot sooner than what I originally thought I was going too, AND I’m gonna be able to afford dual monitors on this one, AND I won’t have to pay for them really as I’m planning on getting 2 of the 20inch acer lcd’s that best buy is gonna have on sale for black friday.   At 80 bucks a pop  I couldn’t resist, and since I’m getting my sprint rebate for 150, its really like I’m getting them for free.   I did get the tower built though, and had a fairly decent setup for the money I spent I think.   Quad core amd @ 2.9ghz, 4gb ddr2, decent board and a mid range ati that overclocks fairly well.   The thing flies in multitasking apps, running rhapsody while transferring a file, while writing a paper on google docs is nothing to this thing.   It was running a virus scan and a spyware scan at the same time the other day and I didn’t even notice because the cpu percentage never went about 8…..damn.Speaking of google Docs….I had never really given much thought to the suite until I used it the other day.   While I don’t think it can be a serious contender against office, for someone like me its perfectly capable of most if not all of my needs.   For basic tasks that your able to access anywhere, its awesome.   For now at least, I’m gonna go without installing office and see if I ever need something that docs cant give me, but right now I don’t see anything right out I’d be missing that much.    Plus win7 is pretty quick at the moment and stable as all hell on the new rig, so why bloat it with older MS software?

I did get a chance to watch a couple of movies this weekend that were both entertaining and thought provoking at the same time, although not directly in the way they were meaning to be.   The first was I love you beth cooper……ya know your basic geek goes after girl type……while it wasn’t that entertaining in the wow I have to go out and buy that right now way, it was interesting in the way that I personally related to it.   In middle school and high school for the most part I was that guy in the movie, the geek who couldn’t even get the girl he was infatuated with to even remember his name let alone talk to him.   While its hard to believe I was ever as bad as him, as most movie geeks are over exaggerated  enough as it is, I felt for the guy.

The second was a movie called away we go.   Its a movie about an unmarried couple who end up getting pregnant, and then travel across the country in looking for the right place to live and raise their daughter.   The cast of the movie was your basic mid level tv actors but what was really good about it was the story’s that their friends and family had along the way.   They were at times funny and at others they were heart wrenching, but they were always just as equally interesting.   I think the most relevant point in the film was when the lead female role turns to her male counterpart and asks him a question in these words, “are we fuck up’s?”.

It wasn’t the question that got me, it was the feelings and general doubt that resonated from her voice as she said it.   They were 34, and she talked about how all of there friends were married with nice houses and beautiful kids already and they didn’t have any of that yet, as if they got left behind when everyone else decided to move on with there lives.   I can relate to the sentiment of feeling abandoned when you watch all of your friends leave on their own journey’s on different paths than your own, watching them get married and start families when you haven’t done anything like that yet.   So in that respect the movie very much hit home.

In another way it made me think about the direction that many of the movies I find myself drawn too anymore are heading too.   There’s no doubt that screenplays are being written by younger crowds now and I can’t help but think that it shows just how disenfranchised my generation is that there’s no longer the classic love story, or the classic super hero story……only shades of gray.   Watchmen for all intensive purposes was a super hero movie……but it was nothing like the classic good vs evil story’s from growing up.   You never see the good guy get the girl he’s always wanted anymore, he almost always realizes what he’s always had in his best friend.   And you see movies like away we go……or Elizabethtown  that tell a story, but in the same respect get you to look at your own life and examine it over and over to see if you can relate to the characters on the screen.   Does this mean that were trying to live through our favorite characters?    I think not, more so that its just my generation of film makers coming into there own.

Don’t get me wrong, just because the guy doesn’t get the girl in the most overly written love story doesn’t mean they aren’t showing the romance in our modern day.   Were a much more emotional and free spirited population now, much more than I would say we ever were.   Its okay to question things now, to wonder if the family with the white picket fence is really whats best for you in the end.   Its okay to question your decisions in your life, and the films today are the epitome of that movement.   The film makers are simply going through the same thing, writing it down similar to what I’m doing right now, and putting it to a much more emotional and thought provoking visual.   One thats not so direct to say “Hey, Look at Me! I’m Trying TO make you reconsider Your Life!”, but leave the option open if your own psyche allows your mind to wander that way.

Warhol once made a movie in the same arena.   He kept a single camera on a building for 18 straight hours, nothing happened in the entire film until the last 10 minutes when the sun had finely set and all of a sudden all the lights in this tall giant building came on.   Reviews of the movie ranged from pointless, to poetic, to genius….all different paths based on our own psyche……….are all of our movies made by Warhol these days?…..one can only wish.

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11. August 2009 by Terry.

As some of you know, after my roommates (j and technically shelby) moved out last year I’ve been pretty screwed money wise.   Well, J decided to move back in to save us a little money so thats definitely helping right now.   I’m still broke but not nearly as broke, which is always a good thing.

I met a girl on match last week that I get along with fairly well.   She’s very much her own person but very much dedicated to her son.   And before anyone starts giving me crap, I know that I said I’d never date anyone again that already has a kid, but for some reason she makes me want to.   I have to look at the reality of the situation right now.   I’m 25, and I’m really ready to settle down and start my family but I’m picky to the point where its detrimental to my love life.   This girl…is cute, and funny, and unique like I am.   She’s intelligent and has those lisa lobe glasses that drive me crazy…lol   I thought about it today that If she ever asked me what my first impression of her was, that I’d say she looked like a real life version of Velma from scooby doo, because she was a hip hip lady…lol   Velma to me always seemed to get the shaft.   I mean she did all the actual detective work, but fred and that skank daphne got all the credit.   Scooby and shaggie just got high (scoobie snacks anyone?) and went looking for munchies all the time…and I’m pretty sure that scrappy was the illegitimate love child of scooby and some random bitch.    I mean think about, they throw scrappy off a train in a box?   Who the fuck does that?…lol   So I vote Velma…….at least they made her hot in the movie….lol

I’m just kind of rambling right now because I’m too tired to focus on my book anymore and I’m waiting to see if Kat will e-mail me.   And I very much like her name……Kat……short for Katarina……..very cool.

Peace.

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7. November 2008 by Terry.

So…I really don’t know what I want to write about right now.   There’s just so much going on right now.   I’m thinking about maybe going back for my Bachelors in IT.   Mainly because I want to learn more about it…I want to learn how to accomplish somethings that I’ve always wanted to do.   I can finally sit back and theoretically code my game in my mind, what the system has to be like, how to get some things working.   Its kinda funny to think that even after all this time I’m still thinking about it and wanting to do it.   I still have no idea what Genre I’d put it in though.   I’d love to do a fighting game but it takes a lot more know how and a lot more time.   I could do an rpg but I’m just not good at the rpg system in general, more of a quick reflexes type.   Not sure what I’m gonna do with that, Though I still know I’d love to do something with it.

hmmm…

that is all.

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4. November 2008 by Terry.

Today I get told that I’m not getting the hours I was promised.   Perfect, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.    I also find out that because of my co-workers completely retarded remarks to my district manager, that not only is his job in jeopardy, but the rest of the guys I work with.   I don’t want anyone to get fired, because I know we all mean well, but at the same time, there are some people that just aren’t doing their job.   My boss doesn’t do his paperwork like he should, so we’ve got almost 3 weeks worth of paperwork backed up on his desk right now.   My paint guy just doesn’t get why he has to be organized.   I’ve tried and tried to get him to realize it but it just goes in one ear and out the other.   I like Dan as a person, but as a paint guy he just royally sucks.   It’s bad enough when I have to deal with customers telling me that mixes are coming out wrong and what not, but when I see things that are just unbelievable even to me, I can’t help but wonder if I should of just stayed where I was.   For one thing I’d at least know that I’d be more financially secure.   I hate the fact that half of my customers are just getting pissed beyond belief at the fact that everything I’ve worked out in the last year has all gone to shit pretty much.

I get the feeling that after the inventory that some people at the store aren’t gonna be there anymore.   I hate to see it happen but there’s no denying it anymore.   Dennis will more than likely get fired, and If he doesn’t then at our store meeting he’s sure as hell gonna get an ear full from me.   If Dan’s job depends on him being on time……….well then he’s gone.   The guy hasn’t ever been on time, literally since he started.   He was always 10-15 minutes late.   I can’t make up an excuse for that.   Alan is just fed up.   James just came in at the wrong time, and Brad is a fuckin space cadet.

The only three people that even care about that store anymore are me and my two drivers, and thats just wrong.   I’ve been there almost 5 and a half years…..been through 4 managers, 2 assistant managers, and more employees than I can even remember.   And even after all the bullshit that I’ve had to put up with over all of that time…..I still care about that job.   Maybe its because I’m holding onto it because it was my first real fulfilling job….maybe its because I know I need it right now…….maybe its because to me ……I can manage it better and finally see it get back to the way it was when chris and dave were there……..I just remember everything being much smoother then.

I just think that I can do it better if I was ever given the chance….

So if it comes down to it…….and they do offer me the store……or hell even assistant……..give me a little more money………….and I’d give it a shot……………and If I failed at it it’d be because I didn’t try hard enough…….because I know that I could do a much better job coming from an employee and watching a lazy boss…….knowing what would piss my guys off……keeping them wanting to work there……..It really is hard to believe that after all this time I still care as much as I do…………..I could do it……..I’m confident in that fact………and I think if it comes up I’m finally gonna do it……throw myself out there and see how it goes………they already know that I’d work my ass off for it……………So we’ll see……

Oh yeah, one more thing…..”…….I am William Control…………and I do not want you to like me….”

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31. October 2008 by Terry.

It’s usually around this time of year that I start to get that little kid urge in me…ya know the one where its halloween….and then thanksgiving…which means Christmas is right around the corner.   A couple years ago I really looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas….but I can’t help but think this year is just….lacking….

Every year….every year for 24 years for Thanksgiving we would go over to my grandma’s house and her, my mom, and my aunt would cook just this amazing dinner…..and my dad would fall asleep watching the cheif’s game with my grandpa…I’d entertain myself by playing with my nieces or my cousins…………and I have nothing like that this year……….in fact its the exact opposite.

My mom has decided that her and ronnie are going to his sisters for thanksgiving……lord knows she doesn’t have the energy to cook for everyone so I can’t blame her……..Wayne is going to see my uncle david for a month…..so he’s gonna be gone through the end of the year…..my aunt said she’d make dinner for them and me…..and its not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment or the effort….but it was never solely about the food…..even though it was always fantastic.

Here’s the thing………………..my grandma didn’t work except for 5 hours a week at the church daycare…..she never even had a drivers license……..she survived cancer……twice………….she took care of my grandfather for almost 50 years….every meal she cooked…….not just for him but for all of us………..and yet I’ve had my heart broken numerous times but this is the first time that I really have no idea how to get over this…………………..This is the first year that I won’t be over at her house for the hollidays…..first year I wont walk in the door and see her sitting there in her chair……………………………….And I cant get over that…..and I know that its just gonna get worse until its over…

I just remember last year…..thanksgiving with my grandma……and bringing shelby and kaylee over to meet everyone for the first time………..I remember how happy i was……happy that I could share this wonderful person with two other amazing people………..I remember that was the first day I told shelby i loved her…………and I remember sophia asking me if i did before i ever got the chance….lol…………I had everything in control…….I didn’t in a million years think things would be so different now………….

I had my heart broken twice this year……..when fro died…………………I was stone cold………I didn’t accept it…..I didn’t believe it…………..i just bottled it up because for so long i was building myself as this person that could handle anything…………………………..when me and shelby broke up………..and she stayed………..I handled that as well as I could……………but when they left………when i walked in what was our home for that long………and there no toys laying around……..and i didn’t see kaylee run up to me……….it was silent………bedroom was empty………………….funny thing about that is that i rearranged the place within a couple hours………….cleaned the whole place……….but i didn’t move anything into the room………….almost like it felt wrong……like it would be moving something into kaylees room………………..i cried my eyes out that night…………….which no one knows……i never even told katie that………….

I know this might sound like one big run on about how sad and depressed I am right now…….and maybe it is………maybe this is how I get it out anymore………………………………i just cant help but feel completely alone right now….

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